Republicans: Let’s Get Something Straight

There’s been a lot of talk lately about how the Republican Party can avoid becoming a permanent minority party by trying to appeal to women and minorities. And that is a noble goal. But let’s get something straight: That goal connot be accomplished by simply changing “tone” or “approach” or by telling women and minorities that Republicans really like them and want them to be included, or even by BEING a woman or a black person or a Latino or gay. There have to be actual policy changes. As long as Republicans do not actually support affirmative action or gay marriage or immigration reform or gun control or the separation of church and state or a woman’s right to choose, they will not appeal to women and minorities. Does this mean that ultra-right-wingers should pretend that they support those issues in order to win elections? Or that they should just stop saying that Obama is a Muslim or that there is such a thing as “legitimate rape” or that everybody should own an AR-15? No, definitely not. It means that moderate Republicans have to take the Party back from the racists and homophobes and religious extremists who have taken it over, and send them off to form their own minority party so they can start crying in the wilderness like the Socialists (only better armed). We don’t want to annihilate the Republican Party; we want to annihilate the reactionary wing of the Republican Party. Then the conservative Democrats can go back to being Republicans, and the Democrats can go back to being progressives, and the two main parties can go back to discussing the issues on their merits and proposing solutions and compromising like they’ve done at times in the past — except with both sides actually believing in the same basic American values. Otherwise we ARE going to have another Civil War in order to demonstrate once again that the people who are on the side of the angels are in the right, and are willing to fight to prove it. Nobody wants that.

Why the President’s Speech Was So Partisan.

Ever since President Obama gave his Inaugural Address, Republicans have been claiming it was partisan, that the President didn’t reach out to them enough. What was so “partisan” about that speech, which most of us believed was simply a catalog of basic American values? For the benefit of those who are unsure, I decided to take the time to go through the speech and quote the relevant sections, with a corresponding explanation of why those sections were at odds with Republican doctrine.

1. The President said, “what binds this nation together is not the colors of our skin or the tenets of our faith or the origins of our names.” Republicans believe that this is a white Christian nation, whose founders believed should be run by white male landowners.

2. The President said, “while freedom is a gift from God, it must be secured by His people here on Earth.” Republicans believe that the ultimate reward will be given in Heaven, and that all you have to do to get there is to go to church and teach your children that dinosaurs and cave-men existed simultaneously.

3. The President said, “The patriots of 1776 did not fight to replace the tyranny of a king with the privileges of a few…” No, say the Republicans; our founders did not intend the benefits of this country to be given to the undeserving. You have to WORK for your success, and if you don’t make it, too bad. Our country consists of makers, not takers. (More on that later.)

4. The President said, “Together, we discovered that a free market only thrives when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play.” Republicans are opposed to any government interference with the free market. Always have been, always will be.

5. The President said, “Together, we resolved that a great nation must care for the vulnerable, and protect its people from life’s worst hazards and misfortune.” SEE #3.

6. The President said, “But we have always understood that when times change, so must we; that fidelity to our founding principles requires new responses to new challenges; that preserving our individual freedoms ultimately requires collective action.” Republicans do not believe in change or new responses or, especially, collective action. They view that as socialism or even communism! (Unless the collective action is being taken by groups of rich businessmen.)

7. The President said, “For the American people can no more meet the demands of today’s world by acting alone than American soldiers could have met the forces of fascism or communism with muskets and militias.” Republicans believe in individualism, not collectivism, and that if our troops were able to beat the British with muskets and militias, they could have beaten the Nazis with muskets and militias. Support the troops!

8. The President said, “No single person can train all the math and science teachers we’ll need to equip our children for the future.” Republicans believe that we can’t afford the luxury of more public school teachers; they point to home-schooling as the wave of the future. Who’s going to pay for all those teachers? (This is a common theme.)

9. The President said, “No single person can… build the roads and networks and research labs that will bring new jobs and businesses to our shores. Now, more than ever, we must do these things together, as one nation, and one people.” Republicans believe in the power of private enterprise. The government is the problem, not the solution.

10. The President said, “A decade of war is now ending.” The Republicans believe that sort of talk is just an excuse for cutting the defense budget, which would destroy our economy.

11. The President said, “An economic recovery has begun.” The Republicans don’t believe any economic recovery can begin until everybody pays the same rates and all regulations on Wall Street are eliminated in order to unleash the power of capitalism. And the defense budget is increased.

12. The President said, “America’s possibilities are limitless, for we possess all the qualities that this world without boundaries demands: youth and drive; diversity and openness; an endless capacity for risk and a gift for reinvention.” Republicans prefer to put their faith in age, secrecy, conservatism and following the tried and true. The rest of that stuff is poppycock.

13. The President said, “For we, the people, understand that our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it.” Republicans believe that everybody should be part of the 1%.

14. The President said, “We know that America thrives when… the wages of honest labor liberate families from the brink of hardship.” Republicans believe that American thrives when lots of unemployed workers are always available to American industry, and they don’t use the word “labor,” which was invented by Karl Marx.

15. The President said, “We are true to our creed when a little girl born into the bleakest poverty knows that she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else, because she is an American, she is free, and she is equal, not just in the eyes of God but also in our own.” Republicans find that sentiment quite noble, but don’t think we can afford to help everybody. Who’s going to pay for it?

16. The President said, “We understand that outworn programs are inadequate to the needs of our time.” Republicans know who he’s referring to, and they find it lacking in the bipartisan spirit.

17. The President said, “We must harness new ideas and technology to remake our government.” Republicans believe there is no need to “remake our government,” which implies that the Constitition is not a perfect document dictated by Jesus.

18. The President said, “our purpose endures: a nation that rewards the effort and determination of every single American.” Republicans don’t believe in equal rewards. They feel that smacks of communism.

19. The President said, “We, the people, still believe that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity.” SEE #18 ABOVE.

20. The President said, “we reject the belief that America must choose between caring for the generation that built this country and investing in the generation that will build its future.” Republicans want to know who’s going to pay for this. Certainly we can’t ask future generations to support useless old people (other than those who are currently receiving Social Security and voting for conservative candidates, of course).

21. The President said, “we remember the lessons of our past, when twilight years were spent in poverty, and parents of a child with a disability had nowhere to turn.” Republicans don’t believe such a past ever existed, at least not for their well-to-do families who worked hard to get where they were.

22. The President said, “We do not believe that in this country, freedom is reserved for the lucky, or happiness for the few.” Republicans suspend their criticism of evolution to cite the principle of survival of the fittest and luckiest.

23. The President said, “We recognize that no matter how responsibly we live our lives, any one of us, at any time, may face a job loss, or a sudden illness, or a home swept away in a terrible storm.” SEE #22 ABOVE.

24. The President said, “The commitments we make to each other – through Medicare, and Medicaid, and Social Security – these things do not sap our initiative; they strengthen us. They do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.” Republicans are choking on their martinis.

25. The President said, “We will respond to the threat of climate change, knowing that the failure to do so would betray our children and future generations.” Republicans who were choking on their martinis are now turning blue in the face.

26. The President said, “We, the people, still believe that enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.” The Republicans believe in perpetual war. Also, SEE #10 ABOVE.

27. The President said, “we are also heirs to those who won the peace and not just the war, who turned sworn enemies into the surest of friends, and we must carry those lessons into this time as well.” Republicans believe that the only way to turn enemies into friends is to kick their asses first, like we did the British, Japanese and Germans. If he means the Iranians, forget it! We’ll never be friend with those lousy… ahem, you know what we mean.

28. The President said, “We will show the courage to try and resolve our differences with other nations peacefully.” SEE #27 ABOVE.

29. The President said, “We will support democracy from Asia to Africa; from the Americas to the Middle East.” Republicans agree, unless we need to prop up a dictator in order to maintain order in that part of the world.

30. The President said, “We must be a source of hope to the poor, the sick, the marginalized, the victims of prejudice.” Who’s going to pay for that?

31. The President said, “Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall.” What the hell is he talking about? Republicans don’t recognize any of those references.

32. The President said, “our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth.” Who’s going to pay for that? Republicans believe we should cut foreign aid.

33. The President said, “Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law – for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.” OMG, he said “gay”! Republicans believe in one man/one or two or three women.

34. The President said, “Our journey is not complete until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote.” Republicans believe that making people stand in line for hours is the best way to make sure that they are serious about voting, especially in urban areas.

35. The President said, “Our journey is not complete until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants who still see America as a land of opportunity.” Republicans believe we need to build higher border fences and arm citizen militias.

36. The President said, “the quiet lanes of Newtown.” Republicans believe that whole thing was a fake, in order to support the destruction of the 2nd Amendment.

37. The President said, “Being true to our founding documents does not require us to agree on every contour of life; it does not mean we will all define liberty in exactly the same way, or follow the same precise path to happiness.” Republicans believe in a strict intepretation of the Constitution, which were dictated by Jesus and cannot be changed. We are not willing to compromise on that. (But the President should, of course.)

38. The President said, “Progress does not compel us to settle centuries-long debates about the role of government for all time.” Republicans believe there is no debate about the role of government, since government has no role other than to employ politicians to do nothing, while collecting money from lobbyists.

39. The President said, “We cannot mistake absolutism for principle.” Republicans believe thier principles are absolute.

40. The President said, “We cannot… treat name-calling as reasoned debate.” Fuck you, asshole.

41. The President said, “We must act, knowing that today’s victories will be only partial.” What victories? Republicans are sworn to block every piece of legislation you propose.

42. The President said, “You and I, as citizens, have the power to set this country’s course.” Republicans believe that the country’s course should be set by those who have always set the country’s course — the 1%, who pay all our bills. (By that we mean the bills of Republican legislators.)

43. The President said, “With common effort and common purpose, with passion and dedication, let us answer the call of history, and carry into an uncertain future that precious light of freedom.” What kind of commie talk is that?

I might have missed a few items, but just to prove the speech was not entirely filled with left-wing crapola, here are few things the President said that WERE non-partisan:

We must “…revamp our tax code, reform our schools…” Yeah, now we’re talkin’!

“Through it all, we have never relinquished our skepticism of central authority, nor have we succumbed to the fiction that all society’s ills can be cured through government alone. Our celebration of initiative and enterprise; our insistence on hard work and personal responsibility, are constants in our character.” (Is there a “but” in there someplace?)

“We must make the hard choices to reduce the cost of health care and the size of our deficit.” He said “deficit”! Let’s roll!

“God…” (Several references, but not enough.)

“Our brave men and women in uniform, tempered by the flames of battle, are unmatched in skill and courage. Our citizens, seared by the memory of those we have lost, know too well the price that is paid for liberty. The knowledge of their sacrifice will keep us forever vigilant against those who would do us harm.” Suppor the troops! Until they come home!

“My oath is not so different from the pledge we all make to the flag that waves above and that fills our hearts with pride.” Republicans are crying big tears and rubbing their flag pins.

How Conservative Republicans Can Salvage Something From This

You’re going to hear a lot of bs about why this election went the way it did: It was the hurricane; Romney was a flip-flopper; people like Christie and General Powell sold us out; the lamestream media didn’t tell the truth; blah blah blah. It’s all just excuses to avoid dealing with the real problem, which is that the Republican Party no longer has a clear program that resonates with the public. They have gotten hung up in irrelevant crap that has nothing to do with “conservatism” as it should be. Here are some suggestions.

First of all, Republicans don’t have to “sprint to the center.” However, they have to abandon their focus on issues that aren’t really conservative core issues, but instead are reactionary dog whistles, including racism, anti-immigrant sentiment, anti-abortion fanatacism, religious purity, homophobia, the war on drugs, worship of the military and destruction of the social safety net. But, you say, aren’t those the most important issues for conservatives? Not in the least, and here’s why:

1. Conservatives are not by definition racists. They may disagree regarding issues of importance to civil rights activists, such as affirmative action and food stamps, but when that opposition begins to morph into racist dog whistles and hatred for minorities “sucking the tit” of the government, it is no longer simply a disagreement about how to solve problems, but rather an appeal to race hatred. If conservatives want to avoid the “reverse racism” they see in blind applications of affirmative action, then they have to come up with alternatives, not simply oppose everything that might serve to increase diversity.

2. Conservatives should welcome immigration. It’s what built this country. Nothing is more conservative than that kind of nod to our history. Republicans used to support immigration reform, but abandoned that position in order to do the opposite of whatever Obama has proposed. As a result, they raised support for the Democrats by Latino voters to an all-time high of 75%. Once again, getting in bed with people who simply hate Mexicans is not a way for conservatives to move forward.

3. Single-issue anti-abortion forces have become the biggest albatross hanging around the neck of the Republican Party. The nation’s sentiment in favor of reproductive rights is continuing to grow by the day, and the Party’s insistence on supporting the rights of fetuses is causing them to lose the support of women, especially young women of reproductive age. Do conservatives have to be fanatics about this issue in order to oppose abortion? Not in the least. If they truly want to reduce the number of abortions, they need to support ways of reducing unwanted pregnancies, and that means pushing harder for sex education and birth control. Why is it that the same people who are anti-abortion are also against the best methods for preventing abortions? It is because they want women to remain barefoot and pregnant based on their religious beliefs. Do conservatives have to share those views? Not at all. You’re a conservative, not a reactionary. Wake up and smell the contradictions!

4. Does being a political conservative require that you are also a religious conservative? No, those are two different uses of the word “conservative.” Political conservatism has certain core principles, and while some sort of belief in a higher power may be one of them, you are not required to subscribe to some form of organized religious orthodoxy. In fact, a distaste for regimented thinking is one of the hallmarks of the true conservative. It is also one of the clear differentiating features of youth as opposed to old people. Fewer and fewer young people are following the dictates of any organized church, and if you want them to vote for you, it’s time to give the bum’s rush to the worst of the evangelicals in your midst.

5. The war on homosexuals is over. Continuing to identify with and support the Tea Party’s homophobic agenda is suicidal. Do you really hate gay people? First, get some help, and straighten out your own sex life. Then take a page from the Log Cabin Republicans and stop automatically excluding 10% of the electorate from your Party. Being conservative doesn’t mean you have to literally live in the past, and opposing gay rights and gay marriage is SO twentieth century. If you think sodomy is disgusting, don’t do it. Don’t even think about it.

6. The war on drugs is a lost cause, and by supporting it, Republicans are once again continuing to champion something that was originally started by the religious right and the booze industry, and is continuing today because it serves to enrich the drug cartels and the private prison industry. It costs billions of dollars that could be spent on other things (or given as tax cuts) and imprisons millions of people for things that aren’t even crimes. Do you have to favor legalization? No, but the alternative of decriminalization (there IS a difference) will stop the war and take the profits out of drug dealing. Nothing could be more conservative than that. And judging from the latest election results, nothing could be more popular, either.

7. Face it, Republicans, President Obama has stolen your favorite “support the troops” meme by actually taking a stronger and more effective stand on defeating “America’s enemies.” You can no longer characterize Democrats as “soft on national defense” and get away with it. In any case, wasting billions of dollars on unnecessary military expenditures is not the least bit conservative. The Libertarians oppose foreign military adventures and are in favor of reducing the size of the military in order to reduce the size of government. Most of the American people agree with them. Are conservatives warmongers by definition? Of course not.

8. Finally, conservatives must accept the fact that Social Security and universal health care are here to stay, and can be kept solvent if you sit down and work out reasonable ways to do it that don’t involve letting people die or starve, and turning over tax dollars to Wall Street.

To summarize, conservatives… you can adhere to basic conservative principles without alienating minorities, immigrants, women, gays, the elderly, the sick, and non-Christians, and while still finding ways to do what you really want to do, which is to cut the budget and reduce the size of government, keep the country safe, preserve free enterprise, and reduce crime and corruption. Take back the Republican Party from the fringe elements, and send them off to form their own undoubtedly losing third party. They’ll be happier, you’ll be happier, and the country’s faith in the political system will be restored. And you can then argue with liberals about issues that are important to you, and not about rape and marijuana!

Are We Too Trusting?

One of the common complaints one often hears about our modern era is that people no longer trust one another any more. We are polarized in our political opinions, overly concerned with crime, obsessed about security, filled with racial and religious hatred, etc. etc.  But the fact is that we are an immensely trusting bunch, especially when compared to our ancestors several hundred years ago. We eagerly drink water that comes into our houses through pipes that we have never seen, put there by people we have never met, potentially filled with all kinds of foreign substances, including chemicals added on purpose for our own good; we eat food we buy at large stores or at restaurants, prepared and packaged by strangers, containing ingredients that are not always listed properly on the packages, including meat that comes from animals raised and slaughtered by people who care only about the profit in the enterprise, regulated by an understaffed bureaucracy; we breath air that may or may not contain pollutants, fouled by industrial plants over which we have no control; we drive 70 miles per hour on crowded highways, mere inches away from other cars that may or may not be driven by drunks, drug addicts, psychotics, suicidal maniacs, people texting on their cell phones or distracted by crying babies or whining teenagers; we watch TV shows sponsored by companies whose messages are allowed to contain pretty much anything they want to say, designed to trick us into buying their useless or possibly dangerous products; we allow almost anybody to purchase all the weapons they want and can afford, regulated by laws based on 18th century technology.  What would a family from the 18th century think of this, if they were brought back here in a time machine? They would be terrified beyond words. They lived in a time when they grew or killed their own food, drank water from natural streams or lakes or from wells they dug themselves, rode on horseback or in carts at a lazy pace, had no worry about industrial pollution because there was no industry to speak of.  They were willing to do anything for their families, but were very suspicious of strangers, since they seldom went more than a few dozen miles from their homes during their entire lives. They had no TV, no radio, no telephones, no Internet. They didn’t know much about the people in the next town, let alone other states or countries. We know almost too much and yet we still manage to find a way to live together.  Yes, there are wars and violence, there is hatred and racism. But statistics indicate that, on an average based on population, there are fewer deaths as a result of wars today than there have been in the past. For the last 70 years, we have had weapons that could destroy the world many times over, and yet those weapons have not been used in anger since 1945. Do you feel better now?  I don’t, but I know I should. I’m trying to convince myself of it as I write this!

How Right Wingers Really Think

It’s important to understand the difference between progressives and conservatives, because if you don’t — if you don’t figure out how they think — you’ll never be able to defeat them. Let me give you an example. When the family came out on stage last night, and the lady talked about her daughter with congenital heart disease, the progressive Democrat thinks, “Oh, my God, that’s not fair, we have to do something to help her.” The conservative Republican thinks, “Too bad, boo-hoo, shit happens, that’s not my problem.” He’s thinking about how much it will cost to provide heart surgery for every one of those 1 in 500 children who have congenital heart defects, and how much larger the “government” will become with such a program, and how much more everybody will have to pay in taxes. He just doesn’t think it’s doable or reasonable. Not everybody can be saved. Do you see it? So you have to come at him from a different angle. You can’t just say, “Well, he has no conscience, no concern for others, so you’ll never change him. We’ll probably have to kill him, or wait for him to die.”

This is what you say, in two parts:

(1) We both want a strong society, one that can grow and succeed and compete with the rest of the world. We can’t have that when so many people are suffering, living in fear that they or their children will drop dead because they can’t afford medical care. It’s just like the military; you have to have your buddy’s back; it can’t be every man for himself or else the unit doesn’t work. It’s the same thing in a society. The more people who are left completely on their own, the lower the morale and the less effective they are. Yes, individual communities should take care of their own, just as they did in the old days. But charity can only go so far, and we no longer live in the kind of society where it’s possible or even desirable for villages to function like families. Technology and communications have spread us too far apart. We have to take broader responsibility for our friends and neighbors, or else it will all fall apart. We’d need more police protection to keep all the angry people at bay, more walls and more rules and more “death panels.” This is not a matter of simply caring about others; it’s a matter of self-preservation as a society. You ARE your brother’s keeper, as your Bible says.

(2) But won’t it cost so much to provide this kind of care that others will have to go without? Won’t it cause scarcity and long lines? Perhaps at first it might. But remember that in the early days of the automobile, only rich people could have them. Now almost every person has a car, or at least access to public transportation. The same with indoor plumbing, refrigerators, television sets, computers. Even the poorest people today have telephones in their pockets with thousands of times the computing power of the first computing machines. Once we figure out a way to mass produce things, to make them more available to people, the price comes down, and the people who make them see an increase in their incomes. That’s how an economy works. You never say, “Oh, that would cost too much.” You get the resources somehow, even if you have to borrow them, and you move on. That’s what it means to build a business, and a country. So it’s not about giving poor people their own yachts or supplies of cavier. Some things may always be scarce, but medical supplies are not like cavier. Everybody will need them sooner or later. So we’ll find a way to afford them, and eventually to profit from them.

Do you see how that works? Don’t assume everybody thinks like you. And, by the way, we as progressives can learn something from that whole line of reasoning. We can learn that everything isn’t just about love.  It’s also about being smart and practical.

Betty White at the DNC!

Here’s my rough draft for a script for Betty White’s proposed appearance at the Dem. convention, along with Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks. It almost wrote itself! Please, somebody make it happen.

Announcer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Carl Reiner!

Carl:
(Walks out carrying a stool, places it next to him):
Thank you. Thank you very much. Save a little for the President.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking…

Betty White:
(Appears from the wings):
We’re thinking, what’s this old fool doing out here with an empty stool?

Carl:
Betty, I love you, but this act is just me and him.
(Points to stool)

Betty:
You and who? There’s nobody there! Is that supposed to be the invisible President? That bit’s been done to death.

(Lights down on stool)

Carl:
Who do you think I am — Clint Eastwood?

Betty:
I wish! No, I think you’ve lost it, Carl. There’s nobody there!

(Lights up on stool to show Mel Brooks sitting therre)

Mel:
Who you callin’ nobody, lady? I been around since your 20th great-grandparents were dodging lions in the Colosseum.

Betty:
No way! That would mean you’re over 2,000 years old! Is that true?

Mel:
Oh, boy… Actually, I’ll be 2052 on October 16.

Carl:
Betty, meet the 2000-year-old Man. You came to this country from Israel in 1960, is that right?

Mel:
Yes, and I became a citizen in 1964. I’ve been voting ever since, by the way.

Betty:
Who did you vote for in 1964?

Mel:
Barry Goldwater. What? I thought he was Jewish.

Carl:
Where are you living now?

Mel:
Well, I was getting on in years, so I moved to Florida. I have a nice condo in Boca.

Betty:
You must be excited about the Presidential election. Who are you voting for?

Mel:
I’m not voting.

Carl:
Why? This is an important election.

Mel:
Don’t I know it. But there’s a little problem with my birth certificate.

Betty:
Oh, no!

Mel:
They weren’t exactly giving out long-form Certificates of Live Birth in 40 B.C.

Carl:
This is an outrage!

Mel:
You don’t know the half of it. I would have voted for Romney!

Betty:
You’re kidding!

Mel:
I bet you think I’m still Jewish. I converted to Mormonism back in the 70s. Some nice boys came around to the condo. Anyway, I have to support my boy, you know!

Carl:
So you’re a Republican victim of Republican voter disenfranchisement?

Mel:
Ironic, isn’t it? Reminds me of something the Romans used to pull. One Patrician, one vote, my ass!

Betty:
But aren’t you worried about what the Republicans are going to do to Medicare?

Mel:
Medicare? I lost my eligibility for that as soon as I told them how old I was. Stinking death panels!

Carl:
But how do you get by without your medications?

Mel:
I don’t take any medications. Back in 1960 the Mayo Clinic boys told me I was going to live forever. It turns out that once you make it to 1500, your odds of living forever are almost 100%! I could use a strong laxative, though.

Betty:

Did you try watching the Republican Convention?

More to come?

Here We Go Again…

I started this blog four years ago, when Barack Obama was first running for President. Since then I’ve been posting somewhat sporadically. Now that the Republican Convention is over and the Dem. Convention is about to start, it seems like a good time to get started again. Here’s a campaign season starter, consisting of some of my recent Facebook and other posts:

About Romney’s convention speech: My favorite Romney quote of the night (I read the transcript, okay?): “That united America will care for the poor and the sick, will honor and respect the elderly, and will give a helping hand to those in need.” Crowd reaction: crickets. Hey, Mitt, this is the fucking Republican Party, idiot! We HATE the poor and the sick and those in need, the lazy bastards! We use those terms as code for BLACK PEOPLE. We do respect the elderly, but if they weren’t smart enough to arrange for comfortable retirements, boo-fucking-hoo. What are you trying to do, steal votes from Obama? None of those bleeding hearts is going to vote for you in the first place! Get back on script, or we’ll replace you with somebody younger and cuter, get it? And what did you mean, “the best feeling you had was when you voted for Obama”? How do you know? Who did YOU vote for? Jesus, Mitt, get a grip.

Ann Romney:
Here’s what that hump Brit Hume had to say about Ann Romney’s speech: “I think that was the single most effective political speech I’ve ever heard given by a political wife. I think a lot of women would look at her — particularly mothers, married women — and find her utterly admirable and utterly credible.” Apparently Hump, er, Hume has never heard Michelle Obama speak. Or Hilary Clinton. Or Eleanor Roosevelt. Or even Lady Bird Johnson. Maybe he meant the single most effective speech by a Republican wife. No, that can’t be right, because that means he was ignoring Pat Nixon, Mamie Eisenhower, and Barbara Bush. Mamie gave some real barn-burners back in the day. (Not really.)

But Ann Romney is a spoiled rich blonde with two Caddys and a houseful of servants, while Michelle Obama is an intelligent woman with a law degree (and a White House full of servants). And Ryan told more outright lies in one speech than the Democrats will tell during their entire convention. We’ll look at the non-partisan fact-checkers after both conventions are over, and I’ll be happy to pay up (figuratively speaking) if I’m wrong. Understand, we’re talking about actual lies (like the plant closing crap), not just stuff you disagree with philosophically.

Clint Eastwood:
Very disappointed that Eastwood did that. I actually respect his work — unlike most of these other dopes. Hard as it is to believe, Clint’s a Republican, and has never denied it. But I always thought his style of Republicanism was the type that the Tea Party has spent the past few years trying to kill. I never expected him to bend over and grease up for Romney/Ryan. As I said, disappointing.

On voting for Romney:
The Republicans created this mess in the 8 years they were in power, by squandering our wealth on two wars and by giving unnecessary and unneeded tax cuts to the rich. The President got us out of one war and is working on the other (although not as hard as I’d like). He has done his best to try to fix the economy, but with a too-weak stimulus plan (because of compromise with the Republicans) and other programs that the Republicans refuse to pass (including rolling back the top tax rates), he can’t do any more than he’s already done. Statistically, things are improving, but not fast enough, I agree. Think how much worse they could have been with a McCain/Palin administration! If you don’t believe that — if you believe that somehow lowering taxes even further than the lowest levels they’ve been since the Depression and cutting non-defense spending by half as Ryan wants to — will solve all our problems, then go ahead and vote for Romney. Or don’t vote. Same thing.

About Obama’s recent drilling decision:
Yes, this was a bad decision. So are the drone attacks. But let’s get a grip. FDR caused the “Roosevelt Recession” with his decision to cut spending, and he ordered the roundup of Japanese-Americans. JFK went ahead with the Bay of Pigs, and risked nuclear war over a bluff with the Soviets. Clinton gave us “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and NAFTA. Vote for Obama, then take to the streets to protest this crap. If you don’t vote for Obama, you’ll get Romney, and then when you go into the streets, you’ll get shot. Not a difficult choice. Remember Nixon and Kent State? No? I do.