Here’s my rough draft for a script for Betty White’s proposed appearance at the Dem. convention, along with Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks. It almost wrote itself! Please, somebody make it happen.
Announcer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Carl Reiner!
Carl:
(Walks out carrying a stool, places it next to him):
Thank you. Thank you very much. Save a little for the President.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking…
Betty White:
(Appears from the wings):
We’re thinking, what’s this old fool doing out here with an empty stool?
Carl:
Betty, I love you, but this act is just me and him.
(Points to stool)
Betty:
You and who? There’s nobody there! Is that supposed to be the invisible President? That bit’s been done to death.
(Lights down on stool)
Carl:
Who do you think I am — Clint Eastwood?
Betty:
I wish! No, I think you’ve lost it, Carl. There’s nobody there!
(Lights up on stool to show Mel Brooks sitting therre)
Mel:
Who you callin’ nobody, lady? I been around since your 20th great-grandparents were dodging lions in the Colosseum.
Betty:
No way! That would mean you’re over 2,000 years old! Is that true?
Mel:
Oh, boy… Actually, I’ll be 2052 on October 16.
Carl:
Betty, meet the 2000-year-old Man. You came to this country from Israel in 1960, is that right?
Mel:
Yes, and I became a citizen in 1964. I’ve been voting ever since, by the way.
Betty:
Who did you vote for in 1964?
Mel:
Barry Goldwater. What? I thought he was Jewish.
Carl:
Where are you living now?
Mel:
Well, I was getting on in years, so I moved to Florida. I have a nice condo in Boca.
Betty:
You must be excited about the Presidential election. Who are you voting for?
Mel:
I’m not voting.
Carl:
Why? This is an important election.
Mel:
Don’t I know it. But there’s a little problem with my birth certificate.
Betty:
Oh, no!
Mel:
They weren’t exactly giving out long-form Certificates of Live Birth in 40 B.C.
Carl:
This is an outrage!
Mel:
You don’t know the half of it. I would have voted for Romney!
Betty:
You’re kidding!
Mel:
I bet you think I’m still Jewish. I converted to Mormonism back in the 70s. Some nice boys came around to the condo. Anyway, I have to support my boy, you know!
Carl:
So you’re a Republican victim of Republican voter disenfranchisement?
Mel:
Ironic, isn’t it? Reminds me of something the Romans used to pull. One Patrician, one vote, my ass!
Betty:
But aren’t you worried about what the Republicans are going to do to Medicare?
Mel:
Medicare? I lost my eligibility for that as soon as I told them how old I was. Stinking death panels!
Carl:
But how do you get by without your medications?
Mel:
I don’t take any medications. Back in 1960 the Mayo Clinic boys told me I was going to live forever. It turns out that once you make it to 1500, your odds of living forever are almost 100%! I could use a strong laxative, though.
Betty:
Did you try watching the Republican Convention?
More to come?
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